Beautiful Poetry From Mike Gaughan 2

Please don't whisper sweet nothings into my ear

Because the answers to the test are all I want to hear

Oh? But you don't know how to do number 3,

So you're not very much help to me

I'm running out of time, the teacher's so damn mean

I'm thinking and I finally figured out what I need

A Midget Robot

A test taking expert

A Midget Robot

Tucked away under my shirt

With retractable arms and lasers

A Midget Robot

to do my homework

I can patent and sell my midget robot for $114 each

It's not a bad idea considering an A+ is now within your reach

You'll never have to study during the week

Now you'll have plenty of time to sit and watch the newest episode of Dawson's Creek

A Midget Robot
A test taking expert
A Midget Robot
Tucked away under my shirt
With retractable arms and lasers
A Midget Robot
to do my homework

Beautiful Poetry From Mike Gaughan

Sometimes I think I'd make a good crane operator

Carrying cement mix, eating lunch out of a lunch bin

Wearing a hardhat, taking my shirt off

I think I'd make a good crane operator

I think I'd make a good crane operator

No YOU'RE An Ape! Treatment

Ethel is an ape with a peg leg that was raised by humans and is unaware that she is an ape. Today, as she walks home from her job at the local burger joint where she daydreams about becoming a big Hollywood actress, a group of hooligans shout profanities at her from across the street. One of them shouts “You’re dead meat, Sasquatch!” as he throws a green smoothie at her face. Ethel bursts into tears and runs the rest of the way home as she wipes the smoothie from her beard. When she gets home, she goes straight up to her mother’s room. Ethel’s mother, Sarah, is sitting in her room trying on her jean shorts when she looks up at Ethel. Sarah asks what is wrong and Ethel tells her about the hooligans. Ethel asks why people make fun of her all the time and Sarah replies, “I don’t care, go ask your real parents. You’re not my monkey child.” It is at this moment that Ethel finds out she is adopted and that she is really an ape. She asks Sarah where she can find her real parents and Sarah points her in the direction of the nearest jungle. Ethel travels to the jungle and searches for hours. She finally finds two apes eating mangoes and she assumes that they are her parents. Ethel frees herself of her human clothes and joins the apes in their feast. As she eats the mangoes, she is confused on whether she should eat it properly like a human or just stuff it down like an ape.

Do you want the mustache on or off?

Too bad. I've got a giant stache now, you have no idea. It greatly increases my sex appeal along with my strength and agility. I feel so rugged. I bet I could lift a bus over my head. I did it before but you weren't looking. I did it really fast and you weren't paying attention. Maybe some other time. I've amassed a large collection of mustache combs to keep up on my personal hygene. I can't just let my whiskers run wild. You have to trim it, and shape it, and comb it. Anyone wanna arm wrestle? I could take you. I challenge anyone to a round in the Thunderdome. Two men enter, one man leave. If you cheat, then you'll get the Gulag. And don't pull any of that Master Blaster shit on me. I got a whistle. I got bungie chords. I got a giant sledge hammer. You'll probably end up getting eaten by pigs after I get sent off tied up on a horse and find refuges living in the wilderness. Then in turn wage war against Tina Turner at Thunderdome and maybe fly away in a plane. All I want is for it to be like the before time. In the long long ago. Don't cry for me Argentina.

No YOU'RE An Ape! Pilot Episode

No YOU’RE An Ape!
Created by
Dan Packer

An ugly woman finds out she is really a good looking ape and tries to make it as a big time Hollywood actress.

After living her entire life in a small town in Wyoming, ETHEL GOODBURGER realizes why everyone calls her hideous and shouts profanities as she walks by. She finds out that she is adopted and not an ugly human, but a good looking ape.

After living with her ape parents in the wild for a year and coming to terms with being an ape, she decides to make her parents proud and fulfill her dreams of becoming a big movie star. Now, with her new proud self and ape skills, she moves in with her goofy best friend RUTH FATFACE in her Hollywood apartment. Ethel’s agent BARRY JERKENSTEINERBERG, who is unable to control the volume of his voice, finds her a part as a pirate in an upcoming movie that she is perfect for because of her peg leg she got in a freak bear wrestling accident. As she is cast for the role, she tries to hide her ape heritage and animal urges while she is on the set. Because of her upbringing, Ethel is often confused on whether she should act like an ape or a human.

After Ethel’s first day on the set, her ape identity is discovered by the man who was cast for the lead role when she is seen eyeing a banana on the snack table. Before ALFRED VON BOOT was an actor, he was a poacher in Africa hunting rare apes. Alfred realizes how much a talking ape would go for on the black market so he decides to hunt Ethel down. When Ethel realizes she is being hunted, she goes to her sassy rabbi STEVEN GOLDBLATT for guidance. Rabbi Goldblatt gives her words of advice and a lucky bulletproof vest that used to belong to her grandmother. She is able to survive a full week of filming on the set until one day, as she films the big sword fighting scene, she gets caught in a bear trap set by Alfred. He sees this as his chance to carry her off to his secret hideout at the top floor of the tallest building in town. Meanwhile, Ruth, Barry, and Steven learn of her disappearance and follow Alfred to discover the location of his secret hideout. As he leaves to get a Grand Slam from the local Denny’s, Ruth, Barry, and Steven break in and set her free. Alfred comes home and discovers them trying to leave and a dramatic gun battle ensues at the top of the building. Ethel uses her ape reflexes to leap onto Alfred as he shoots her in the chest. Luckily, Ethel was wearing her lucky bulletproof vest and is able to knock out Alfred and bring him to justice. Alfred goes to jail and Ethel gets promoted to replace Alfred for the lead role in the movie.

My Impenatrable Fortress

I'm building a fort. No one may enter my fort without special permission! And don't even try to break in because I've got defenses! You'll be tarred and feather in no time! I feel so safe in the fort. The foundation is strong. It's made of pillows to make it comfortable to sit on. The walls are good allowing no light in! Good thing I kept all my sheets and blankets from last year. I'm my own master in my fort. It's got everything so I never have to leave. I keep my food in the corner in case I get hungry. I have my tv, my computer, my guitars. Is anything missing? I'm not sure. I've got lots of playdough. I'm using it to build all my furniture. I even made a little doggy out of the blue. If you want to come play in my fort with me, you must ask nicely. You also have to fill out all the proper paperwork and get it notorized and get a seal of approval from the governor.

Coming Soon: No YOU'RE An Ape!

For those of you who actually read this, you will soon be in for a real treat! You may have read my pitch for the hit series "No YOU'RE An Ape!" It turns out for my final project I'm actually going to have to write a script and screenplay. I haven't decided which episode I'm going to do it for. Either way it is going to be genius. It's just one more step towards getting it put on television. PBS has been calling me trying to get a contract, but so has UPN. I'm kind of impartial to Univision so we'll see what kind of deal I can work out. So for the three people who might read this (Humphrey, Becky and Julie. Well maybe they don't read it they just happened to comment once.), try to contain your excitement until I do the project and post it here.

My Trip To The Mall

So yesterday I went to the mall to buy myself the new version of Tic-Tac-Throw. It's the hot new tic-tac-toe game on the market. You throw a bean bag from the top of your driveway and try to hit a square. If you hit it, you can mark your X or O. Well I figured they would have it in Target but alas, they were all sold out. I decided to search the rest of the mall for a store that would sell the product of my desire. As I walked past the puppy store, I wasn't really paying attention to where I was walking and I accidently stepped on someones foot. Before I knew it I was pushed to the ground and I heard a booming voice cursing and yelling at me. I looked up and saw Tony Danza staring at me. "How dare you step on my designer moccasins! You better stay away from me or else next time I won't just push you down, I'll kill you." After he said that he stormed off into Old Navy. I was pissed. I always thought Tony Danza was such a nice guy. It's always the pretty ones who end up hurting you. Well it just so happend I had the sudden urge to buy an Old Navy Performance Fleece so I walked in after him. I tried on a few, I couldn't decided whether to buy the Magenta or Neon fleece. I decided on the Neon because it is my favorite color, plus it is my favorite car. Someday I hope to own a Dodge Neon. Hopefully a '95 or a '96. But I'm a dreamer, I'll probably never be rich and famous so that dream may not come true. Well suddenly I realized I was being followed. Knowing my life was in danger, I quickly scurried into Dick's Sporting Goods. I had hoped to hide in a tent when a javelin flew by my head. "I told you not to go near me! You just had to step foot in Old Navy didn't you? You've crossed into my turf and now you must pay. Now you'll see who's the king!" he screamed at me. I was astonished. I had thought he was goning to say "who's the boss" instead of "who's the king." I mean that would just make so much more sense. But I figure it's because everyone already knows he's the boss so his next goal was to become king too. He leaped at me and tried to stab me with another javelin but I was too quick. I ducked and he flew into a rack of fishing poles. Just as he tried to get up, it fell over and he was trapped! Seeing this as my opportunity to escape, I quickly ran for the door. I eventually got to my car and drove all the way home and hid under my bed. I can still feel Tony Danza's hot breath on the back of my neck as he tried to gut me like a fish. I guess I'll have to do without Tic-Tac-Throw for now. Man I forgot that was the whole point of my trip to the mall.